How To Deal With Relatives and In Laws During The Holidays
Tips to develop the mindset and behavior of a Goddess for visits with family, relatives and in laws during the holidays so that you stay cool, calm and classy.
You can actually have a decent or good time (no matter what they say or do and no matter what they've said and done in the past) and feel close and connected to your partner.
Related articles:
7 Tips for Dealing With Family and In Laws During The Holidays Part 1
5 Secrets To Buying The Perfect Christmas Gift For Your Boyfriend
Should I Buy A Gift For A New Guy I'm Dating?
This blog is part 2 about how to deal with relatives and in-laws during the holidays.
Like a Goddess.
Whether you’re single or coupled, these tips are the best!
Do you have a:
· meddling mother-in-law
· brooding uncle
· sulky cousin
· niece who won’t get off her phone
· someone who keeps asking personal probing questions
· or someone touchy-feely who gives you the heebie-jeebies?
You’re going to discover:
· mindset and behaviour tips-so that you can feel cool and unrufflable. (Don’t you love that word?)
· ways to plan for and deal with the expected and unexpected behaviour of in-laws and relatives during Christmas and other holidays
· how to create and maintain a strong connection with your partner during the holiday season
· how to take care of yourself even if you’re super busy
#1 Set A Time Limit
You’ll set this time limit with your partner BEFORE you leave for a visit.
Make an agreement with your partner that you’re going to tell your host from the outset that you have to leave at such-and-such a time.
So, you can go feed your dogs or bring your kids somewhere or bring something to your elderly neighbour or whatever the case may be.
You say this at the BEGINNING of the visit and that’s that.
And you stick to your schedule.
#2 Have an Exit Strategy
You want to have prepared this in advance.
And you want to have this just in case you and your partner want to leave quickly.
Because for whatever reason, maybe things are getting out of hand.
Or maybe you’re exhausted.
I DON’T condone lying on a day-to-day basis.
But during the holidays and just to keep the peace, sometimes a little teeny-weeny white lie can be the very thing to save the day.
Let’s try to keep it real and honest.
Say you’re prone to migraines.
Have your partner call his parents in advance and let them know that you’ve been having migraines.
And although it’s unlikely to happen during the visit, it is a possibility that you will need to leave early.
Or maybe it’s anxiety.
You just let your host know in advance that you’re feeling anxious or uncomfortable socially and that you may have to step out of the room or go for a walk often.
That is perfectly okay!
#3 Have Realistic Expectations
Expect the minimum if your in-laws, relatives, family haven’t treated you with approval, love and kindness in the past.
Don’t expect it from them now.
Just accept them as they are.
They will not change because you want them to.
They’re just being who they are.
They’re not creating this aggravating personality just to bug you.
Focus on your own behaviour.
#4 Make A Good Impression Without Trying Too Hard
Of course, you want to make a good impression!
Especially if it’s the first time you’re meeting certain relatives or in-laws.
Instead of trying to be perfect, aim to have good energy.
A Zen vibe.
If you’re hosting, don’t obsess over having this perfect, you know Martha Stewart type perfect home where everything is spotless, clean and organized.
Forget about that!!!
That will not create the ambiance that you want.
Here’s a mantra:
“focus on connection, not perfection.”
#5 Make Self-Care Your BFF
Make taking care of your body spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally a priority every day.
Do something every day, and if possible, several times a day to fill your cup during this stressful, busy holiday season.
Even if it’s for 5 minutes.
Get into your feminine energy.
#6. Mind Your Manners
You want to be polite and respectful at all times especially if it’s the first time that you’re meeting in-laws because they will definitely watch to see if you’re saying thank you and please and can I help you.
And even if it’s not the first time.
Never mind how other people are acting.
Never mind if other people are rude.
It doesn’t matter.
You’re a goddess, you’re there and it’s about you!
#7 Take Nothing Personally
As I mentioned at the beginning of the blog/video, your goal is to be unoffensive and unrufflable.
People will try to get under your skin if there are people there like that in your circle.
They are going to suck you into their drama.
Step back to prevent people from continuing to bully you.
Because once they see you’re affected, they’re going to continue.
This is where having good boundaries comes into play.
#8 Stay Positive
No matter what circumstances are thrown your way, change your mindset from one of ‘dealing with the holidays’ to what ‘I’m enjoying and being present for the holidays.’
Challenge yourself to remain optimistic and cheerful for the entire time.
Now I’m not saying this is easy and negative thoughts and emotions will come up.
If you have a negative thought about your brother-in-law.
Rather than saying “Oh Ben is annoying the f*** out of me,” instead ask “what’s good about Ben?”
Flip the negative and turn it into a positive to discover the good in another person.
#9 Deflect All Negativity
What if somebody criticizes you or your partner or somebody else?
Instead of reacting, just say “do you really think so?” in a very neutral tone and then change the subject.
That’s all you have to do.
Don’t get sucked in and move on.
#10 Don’t Complain
Don’t voice your complaints and frustrations out loud during the holiday season.
Just keep it to yourself and that’s it.
Because when you voice it out loud, it just becomes that much more real.
Instead, process your emotions internally.
Get in touch with your feelings through body awareness and journalling.
#11 Avoid Controversial Topics
Topics like religion, politics, the economy, medical treatments that are personal and nobody’s business.
Yeah, right Melissa, you may be thinking.
What else is there to talk about in this day and age?
The way I see it is like this: avoid these topics IF and only if you’re close-minded, aren’t confident in your beliefs and opinions, don’t want to listen to others who have questions and different ideas.
Or if you’re just sick and tired of these topics that are so divisive.
Conversely, if you’re open to listening to others and having your thoughts challenged, confident in your curiosity and comfortable with beliefs that differ from yours, and your nervous system will stay regulated, then go for it!
Talk about controversial topics!
Things may get really heated.
But you already knew that, right?
Those topics can be conversational landmines because they often have a way of derailing a gathering.
If you see other people bringing up these topics, try to change the subject quickly, or if you want to just not get involved, step outside to go for a walk or into another room.
#12 Be A Reporter
This is one of my top tips.
Find someone among your family, in-laws or relatives.
Even someone you don’t get along with.
Or someone you don’t know that well and you want to improve your relationship with them.
Ask them questions about their childhood, hobbies, work, interests.
And be there for them!
Make it all about THEM!
You’re a goddess rock star listener and you give them your hundred percent undivided attention.
This will make the person feel heard because most people don’t get a chance to be heard in their day-to-day life.
People like to talk about themselves, so you’re giving this person an opportunity to talk and be listened to.
That person’s going to feel great about being authentically listened to.
And you might actually discover that you like some things about this person.
You might see the person in a different light!
You may find that you have something in common and maybe a bond will be created.
This is a very good authentic strategy and it’s one that you should try.
And it’s also great if you are shy or introverted because you just get to ask questions and let another person do all the talking.
What usually happens at the end of these conversations is the person who did all the talking is going to thank you for what a great conversation, but you actually conversed little.
You just led the conversation by asking questions.
And you were listening, which is a sort of communal conversation.
This type of conversation may bring you closer together.
No matter what they talk about, just listen with curiosity, alright.
#13 Be Willing To Ask For Help
If you’re hosting a gathering and you’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed, ask your brother-in-law to build a fire.
Or ask your cousin to help you with the food or anything else.
Give people little “jobs”.
This also helps those who’re uncomfortable with social situations have something to do.
If people offer to help you, don’t say “oh no, I got it.”
Receive their help!
It’s going to make you feel good and people like to help, so don’t worry about it.
#14 Stay In Tune With Your Partner
You and your partner are a team and a united front.
You’ll want to check in with your partner during the gatherings and during the holidays to make sure that everything is going smoothly.
Observe and make sure that things are going okay.
I’m not saying like to really, you know, be hyper focused on them, but you want to pay attention to how things are going.
If anything comes up, then you can take care of them quickly before they pile up and get worse and worse.
Keep in mind that it’s possible that somebody criticizes or puts down your partner.
If that is the case you want to defend your partner.
Take your partner’s side no matter what.
You guys are a team!
And you are not there to gang up on your partner with anybody else.
Some women do this and it doesn’t work.
And your partner will see right through it so please don’t try it.
Don’t use a family member or relative or in-law and gang up on your partner because there’s something that you want your partner to do that he’s not doing.
You may think that by conspiring with someone else that it’s going to make him realize his shortcomings.
But you know what?
He’s going to feel that, and it’s going to fail and damage your relationship.