The Undetected Silent Passion Killer : Over-Familiarity

Over-familiarity is a stealth killer in romantic relationships. This not-too-serious-sounding word doesn’t sound weighty.

But DON’T underestimate its power to slowly but surely drag down and contribute to diminishing fire in a once passionate relationship.

Totally tragic.Yet TOTALLY fixable.

Keep reading and you’ll discover:

·       what over-familiarity is and what it feels like

·       what causes it

·       examples of what to stop doing

·       simple ways to bring back mystique, passion and curiosity

What is over-familiarity?

It’s when your relationship is in a state of total openness - where there aren't any secrets, mystery is lacking and the curiosity is gone. Surprises have gone the way of the dodo.

Most often we are unaware that this a problem. Our relationship feels blah and boring but we attribute that to OTHER issues in the relationship which seem more glaringly obvious.

When something or someone is TOO familiar, we become less excited and interested by them. The passion is reduced, boredom sets in AND the partner can be seen more like a friend than a lover.

Whether we’re dating a guy or are in a committed relationship, we WANT to be able to ‘be ourselves’ and drop our guard.

But when people in a budding relationship reveal too much too soon or an established couple knows EVERYTHING about each other, they start to take each other for granted.

Examples of over-familiarity:

·       your partner always knows your whereabouts

·       they know your schedule inside out

·       they can predict what you’re doing/not doing at any time of the day or night

·       you do your partner’s laundry

·       you share details about your friends and family, even things that you’re supposed to keep a secret

·       you do the same activities around the house with little to no variation

·       you rarely, if ever, go out on dates

·       you use the bathroom at the same time

·       you think you know your partner’s fantasies, favourite things, fears, insecurities, etc.

Ask yourself:

Does your partner always need to know your whereabouts? Know your schedule inside out?

If you answered yes to these, ask yourself: Is this always necessary?  It’s NOT.

What about the toilette?

And here’s the worst thing a committed couple can do. Those his and her sinks in those grand master bathrooms are convenient. But does seeing your boyfriend scrub his tongue with a toothbrush do anything for you?

I do my bathroom business alone. Only on the rarest occasions, my husband may spot me getting ready. And that’s only if he comes home early. But I close the door and continue getting ready alone.

I know couples who EVERYTHING in the bathroom in the presence of their partner and I must say that it HORRIFIES me. Just thinking about this makes me shudder. Ugh.

Yes, I know people who do it. There are couples who are like buddies. They fart and poop in the other’s company and that sort of thing, shop together and do everything together, share their best friend’s secrets and keep NOTHING hidden from one another.

I wonder for how long they can maintain a strong attraction for one another. Does being a complete open book work in the long run? If so, at what cost?

Simple ways to bring back mystique, passion and curiosity

·       cut out ALL the habits I mentioned above immediately (Grooming and using the toilet solo is a great place to start! Taking a bath or shower together though is steamy hot.  I encourage that.)

·       Be intentional about spending time apart

·       pursue individual interests

·       explore new hobbies and interests

·       get curious about your partner; ask questions and be prepared to be surprised!

·       Start a new activity or project with your partner that you’ve never done before

My belief is that is if you want a sexy, passionate relationship, then cutting out ALL these habits, for lack of a better word, would HELP get you there faster.

Being intentional about it by spending time apart, pursuing individual interests, will help stave off boredom and bring excitement to the relationship.

Sometimes I go out without telling my husband where I’m going. I walk out the front door sometimes calling out to my love “I’m going out. See you later Darling!”

I’m NOT trying to be mysterious. I just DON’T feel the need to always announce where I’m going. Truth be told, I have never wanted my husband to know everything about me.

When you were single, you may have prioritized hobbies and interests. You were probably the center of your world. And when you first met your partner, this made you MORE interesting to them.

And when they had hobbies and their own things going on, this made them more attractive to YOU.

If you’ve stopped enjoying things that make you happy because of children, pets and other added responsibilities, it is still ABSOLUTELY possible to break out of the over-familiarity rut. (I know this may not be easy if you’re tasked with the invisible domestic labour, emotional labour and mental loads in your relationship as many women are. And that would be a whole other blog post.)

Cookies for thought :

• Do you feel as though your budding relationship has become over familiar?

• If yes, in what ways?

• How does this make you feel?

• Do you want things to stay as they are or do you want to eliminate over familiarity?

• What will you do?

If you’re intentional about it, you can go from over familiarity to comfortably familiar with while maintaining your mystery.

What do YOU think about all this?

Have you ever experienced over-familiarity?

Let me know in the comments

Melissa xox