How to Get Closure after Being Ghosted
A reader asked “Should I reach out to a guy I was dating for 3 weeks who ghosted me and ask him what’s going on? It’s been 8 days since I texted him and didn’t get a reply. I need closure.”
This post covers closure in early dating when there wasn’t an exclusive commitment. And still helpful even if the ghosting occurred after several months of exclusive commitment. If you’re a woman dating men, you’ll definitely want to keep reading.
In this post, you’ll learn:
. What closure is
The real reasons behind your desire for it
6 reasons why it’s often a bad idea to attempt a closure conversation
How to create your own closure so that you can move on
What closure is
Related articles:
How to Cope After Being Ghosted
How To Deal With Rejection in Dating
More often than not, my answer is no, don’t reach out. Especially if you dated a guy for less than a month. However, it’s not black and white.
But in most of the situations I support my private clients with, there’s no reason to reach out. In situations when it IS appropriate to reach out, I support my private clients to do so in a high-caliber way that keeps their dignity and serenity intact.
What is closure?
Closure is the sense of resolution or understanding after a difficult event or relationship. People seek it because they believe it will offer them the clarity they need in order to move forward in their lives.
Our brains are wired to want to know the ‘whys’ of a situation. It’s normal that our brains want to close loops.
But in our quest to find closure, we realize we may not always get the expected benefits. And instead, feel even more confused and unsatisfied by what we thought would bring us clarity.
Here’s the thing.
First, let’s be honest. Wanting closure or an explanation is often about keeping the connection going and hoping the person will change their mind.
And also, in wanting it, there’s an underlying need for an apology.
Even if you had a closure conversation, it’s unlikely that you’d feel any resolution. Part of this has to do with the fact that the man in question will not give you a straight answer about why he ended things by ghosting.
I know you’re looking for peace and clarity. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But it’s unlikely that he’d tell you the truth. Remember how ghosting is about avoidance?
6 reasons why you shouldn’t reach out for a closure conversation
#1 He's already concluded that you're not his ideal partner, and he's moved on. He doesn’t have any motivation to hash things out.
#2 He's cowardly and chose not to be upfront the first time. Why would things be any different now?
#3 He lacks empathy and doesn’t care about your feelings. If he did, he’d have gotten past the initial discomfort and wouldn’t have ghosted in the first place.
#4 A conversation would most probably make you feel worse. Imagine that he’d tell you the truth. For example, he’d say something negative about your behaviour, appearance or anything else.
That would just make you feel really bad. And you’d regret that you’d had this conversation. You’re better off without it.
#5 You risk deepening the wound by reaching out to a man and hoping for a response that will probably never come. This being in ‘hoping, waiting and praying for a response mode’ will probably make you feel humiliated.
Such a move is the equivalent of giving away your power. Don’t ever give such an undeserving person another chance to disappoint you a second time.
6# It actually doesn’t matter WHY he ghosted. The bottom line is that he DID. He showed you who HE is. And even if he came back one day and your relationship was reignited, I can guarantee that he’s going to do this again.
Whether that’s in 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years. Or he’ll display equally damaging behaviour in other ways.
Create your own closure instead
Asking a man, who didn’t even have the decency to convey his disinterest, to ‘give’ you closure, is giving away your power. He didn’t behave mindfully and now you want him to provide you with an explanation.
I know you’re feeling emotional, yet you must introduce some logic to help you out here. The responsibility for closure falls on YOU.
Remember that in life, there will ALWAYS be unanswered questions. Accept this universal TRUTH. It gets easier when you do. Promise!
The simplest ways to create it are to accept the situation, feel your emotions, cry when you need to, look for the lesson in the experience and focus on the present and future.
Here are some closure prompts:
What do I need to fully accept in this situation?
What is one thing I can control now?
What did I learn about myself through this situation?
What did I learn about dating and relationships?
When I feel ____I can support myself by____?
What do I feel grateful for right now?
Put your hand on your heart and say:
“I am safe.”
“I am supported.”
“This will pass.”